Mar. 28th, 2004 03:57 pm
[personal profile] lhexa
An update on my life:

I've spent most of the past two years depressed, though only lightly so until recently. I tried various ineffective and frankly sick ways of curing it. It got to the point where having the opportunity to just realize things about myself and communicate them to others was enough to make me willing to fail the college term completely. In the end I decided to simply confront my fear of accepting help, my fear of presenting myself incoherently, and my fear of insanity. As a result I spent two weeks in a mental hospital, a gentler and more healthy version of an insane asylum.

Throughout I stuck to principles, spoke with an aggressive honesty, and acted according to emotion for once. I lived by Emerson's maxim: "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." I experienced moods powerful and singular enough to be called megalomanic, paranoid, and more. I learned things I don't think I could have learned elsewhere. I've emerged damaged, medicated, and tightly bound to the psychiatric institution, but for the moment at least, no longer depressed. I can already tell that this will be the defining event of my life, because right now I have to either be healthy or get caught in a spiral of increasing drugged helplessness.

Right now I'm in about as safe a position as possible, considering what I did. I almost embody the concept of the nerdy loser, but that hardly matters.

First targets are the insomnia and poor eating habits, and to a lesser extent my social isolation. I'll keep the journal updated on how I do.

Date: 2004-03-29 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I care about you and there is so very little I can do for you right now. But I have been in one of those places, and I know what it's like. Please hold on. You will be okay.

Date: 2004-03-29 05:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm not in a good place for bragging about my life, but I am in a good position to improve it. Lots of free time, a supportive family, and I'm no longer in the surreal world of the mental hospital. I'm feeling optimistic.

Date: 2004-03-29 03:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Free time isn't necessarily a good thing on its own. It can lead to laziness and de-motivation. Use it wisely.



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