(no subject)

[lhexa]

So. Um. I skirted insanity. For the first time during an experience such as that of the last two weeks, I skimmed along the edge of insanity without entering it. I reached the stage of being completely wrapped up in a personal fantasy, so that the boundary between internal and external activity (imagination and action, to put it another way) disappeared; however, I was able (with significant help) to turn aside before any of my fantasies were fixated into delusions. I did not manage to avoid hospitalization, once again by police officers -- institutions, of course, recognize irrationality far before individuals do. However, a renewed struggle with psychiatry and a bill of some two thousand dollars are both prices that I can currently pay, thanks to experience and student loans. And frankly, they are small prices for what I've accomplished.

This time I came back with four realizations, which is at least double the most I've managed before. The three of lesser importance can be stated clearly without any delay: first, I realized the harm that I was doing my intellectual and emotional life by my secretiveness; second, I realized that I have noone here at UT Austin with whom I can converse about physics, so I departed for Dallas in order to find my mentor; third, I stopped believing in geniuses.

More importantly than all three of those realizations: I found my voice for the last time. I discovered the final resonance which would give me a full voice. I found the voice of a fisher. Fans of the obvious may now applaud.

It turns out that the voice of a fisher has two volumes. One volume is soft. The other is terrifying.

Comments

[wickedorin.livejournal.com]

Welcome back. I call this funsanity!

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

I don't. The payments exacted are too high for that name. If you've managed to make such experiences fun, though, consider it a talent. :)

[khyle.livejournal.com]

Hey we're all a little crazy... No one is "normal"... Everyone just has varying levels. I'm glad that things are looking up, but do know you have lots of people that care about you. *hugs*

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

I know you intend well, but trying to diminish the problem (as opposed to, say, softening it or helping me solve it) won't work here. My abnormality is different from yours in both type and magnitude.

*hugs back*

[loiosh-de-talto.livejournal.com]

Wow.. WHAT happened, Lhexa?

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Ask again the next time we're together.

[celyddon.livejournal.com]

Some days personal fantasy can be useful, particularly in exploring your subconscious. Unfortunately, it can also be harmful to your self confidence.

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

For me, at least, self-confidence remains intact. My capacity for reason is what overwhelming fantasy puts at risk. We should talk about these things more fully at some point.

[broken-bokken.livejournal.com]

How does Austin wind up with fewer physics minds than Dallas? Now THAT'S crazy.
Having heard that distinctive mustellidae shriek, I knew exactly what you were talking about. Wonder what it sounds like when wolverines do that.
Sounds like you've had a productive, if expensive, couple weeks.

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

Austin has more physics minds, but I don't know how to converse with them yet. For that matter, there's only the one person at Dallas with whom I could converse fully.

*blinks* Wow, I'm happily surprised to find someone who's heard that shriek firsthand. Is there a story behind that event? Whatever the case, when I'm in the northern U.S. again, I'll head for a forest in the hopes of hearing the sound with my own ears.

Yeah. Productive and expensive. Now I have to catch up with many, many things.

[broken-bokken.livejournal.com]

You won't hear it in a forest, I dropped a granite table on one of my ferrets and almost killed it.

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

Fishers shriek unprompted. Most commonly, the sound is likened to that of a screaming child. It's a strange animal to incorporate into my identity.

[broken-bokken.livejournal.com]

Why would they shriek like that? I'd think it'd attract the attention of everything else within a mile. And yeah, I think everyone's initial reaction was "baby on fire!" You wouldn't think a critter that small could emit such a strong noise.

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

Chances are you have more knowledge of ecology than I do, so I'll leave it to you to venture a hypothesis.