A world ends nonetheless

[lhexa]

"It is, again, an ordinary neurotic relationship, in which both partners wish nothing more than to end it, but in which each is incapable of taking final steps because its end presents itself to them as the end of the world. So they remain together, each helpless in everything save to punish the other for his own helplessness, and play the consuming game of manipulation, the object of which is to convince the other that you yourself do not need to play. But any relationship of absorbing importance will form a world, as the personality does. And a critical change in either will change the world. The world of the happy man is different from the world of the unhappy man, says Wittgenstein in the Tractatus. And the world of the child is different from the world of the grown-up, and that of the sick from that of the well, and the mad from the un-mad. This is why a profound change of consciousness presents itself as a revelation, why it is so difficult, why its anticipation will seem the destruction of the world: even where it is a happy change, a world is always lost."

-- Stanley Cavell, from "Ending the Waiting Game," an essay in "Must We Mean What We Say?"

Quoted in memory of a friendship that was once good. The situation wasn't as harsh as what Cavell describes, but it was indeed neurotic enough for this section of the essay (one about Beckett's "Endgame") to stick in my mind.

My friendship with Raki was my oldest one. I'm not happy about how I ended it, but I'm glad I did. A better, more vivid world awaits me.

Comments

[fuzzwolf.livejournal.com]

Erf, um. Sorry you had something like this happen, but I guess since you seem to be looking toward a positive future I am happy for you too.

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

*nods* I'll fill you in sometime, when there isn't too much of a crowd around.

[axonfuel.livejournal.com]

Speaking for myself here:

If I did anything to exacerbate this, I am deeply sorry. I sent a couple of angry and confused emails to Raki, after a comment of hers hit me in the wrong place.

I'm still sorry that her and Nick don't see in each other what I do in them, but perhaps that's inseparable from who they are. So often Raki would argue my case with Nick, in far better words than I could. When they stopped speaking, I saw it as a kind of divorce. That doesn't mean that I viewed Raki as a mother figure, but I felt a similar loss of a role model.

I do believe, naive as it may sound, that all conflict has a misunderstanding at its heart. I still think very highly of Raki -- her insight will be sorely missed on all fronts, and I hope that others provide a better venue for her.

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

No, you didn't have anything to do with it. I didn't even know about the conflict between Nick and her until a week ago, when you told me, and it was a month or so ago that I told her I wanted an end to the friendship.

There were certainly plenty of misunderstandings between her and me, but I'm unsure whether it was that which proved irreparable, or whether at some point in the transition from "Zelda" to "Raki" she became someone I could no longer like as I did before.

The timing was really bad, though... I should have had the good sense and/or maturity and/or courage to end things years earlier. So I'm dismayed that this situation overlaps your (and her) own troubles.

[khyle.livejournal.com]

Losing friends is never easy. :/ Sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* "Not easy" is an understatement.

[shadowtxhorse.livejournal.com]

One of the most painful things in life is to lose someone that you felt very close to. Lose, of course, comes in many ways. Some expected, some unexpected. I've cried myself to sleep over losing friends I cared for a lot. I lost my mate and a good friend over a Christmas some time ago, and it took a long time to get the friend back, only to nearly lose him again to a more recent event. I guess life is a lot like a roller coaster. You hang on tight for the bumpy parts, and enjoy the smooth ones. *hugs*

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughts.