[personal profile] lhexa

I tend to toss about after the day is out and I'm descending into sleep. This short or long moment is a nigh-unavoidable time for self-appraisal, and more often than not I find the day was lacking. Maybe it happened because I was distracted for too long by something online, or perhaps it was an inability to raise myself out of an early languor, that kept me focused on some discomfort or some trivial appetite while all around me wondrous ideas and things were voiced and clear. Last Thursday was particularly troublesome, as I found myself considering an old vice: laziness, or rather apathy... it is a dog of mine that has been hunting me for quite some time.

Car rides are good ways to observe a continual progression of beautiful and thought-provoking sights, if you take care to ignore everything that's going on inside the car, lean your head against the window, and stare. Become unresponsive to one whole area of your life, divert your emotions one by one then evade your own most natural thoughts, and a whole new realm of things to see and react to will open itself up to you. Emotional timidity encourages aesthetic appreciation. In my case, the presence of an overworked and sometimes suicidal mother who couldn't control her anger and depression very well was what I had to deal with, and I dealt with it quite well, though at some cost (the absence of a father, something I only came to consider late, was nowhere near as difficult). When trapped in a car with a stressed, ranting parent, you really start to notice how pretty everything is, outside the car.

As soon as I discovered the idea, I began to cultivate a philosophical distance from things, refusing as far as I could to be moved by anything I didn't choose to be moved by: I found effective ways to ignore or divert questions, loneliness, homework, lust, rules, accusations, anxiety, anger... Forgiveness should not be expected of a child; chances are it'll be emotionally deadening. But I learned to be very forgiving, and I learned very early on how to stop feeling resentment and bitterness. It was with pride that I gradually stopped asking for and expecting the same sort of material gifts that others got... though it was with dismay that I stopped seeking emotional consolation from anyone but myself. It has been some seven or eight years since I have been comforted by anybody; I can actually remember the last times...

This (doubtlessly in conjunction with other influences) has left me with a strong tendency towards apathy, emotional, moral, and otherwise. I don't think I can go on further right now. It's enough to say that at those moments when I clearly see how it suffuses my life, I'm not going to get to sleep without some thrashing...

Date: 2003-11-23 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] guilen.livejournal.com
So you felt it necessary to do that at the time. Don't blame you. Sounds like a reasonable reaction.

But I hope this all doesn't mean you don't want to someday break through that. Perhaps the opportunity is finally here. Not that it would be easy, but it'd be worth it.


Date: 2003-11-24 04:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lhexa.livejournal.com
The apathy is something I've been breaking through for better than a year... *grins* but I'm doing pretty well at it, after all.

Date: 2003-11-24 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] guilen.livejournal.com
*laughs* good!




January 2012

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