The End of Avoidance

[lhexa]

I just got back from walking along the edge of a cemetary. It's strange how often one of those is somewhere near where I live.

So, avoidance is over. I expected it to last much longer, actually. I started it in hope that I would realize some things about myself, and in the hope that I would gain a clearer perspective on my oh-so-muddled situation. I managed to accomplish these things, despite (or maybe with the help of) several brief, impulsive returns to online areas, and I managed to accomplish them in less than a year (I expected it to take three or four times as many months, and even then I wondered if I was being overconfident). There was the possibility that if I had stayed away longer I would have come to a greater understanding, but actually, after a number of realizations and many hours of deep thought, I found myself thinking less and less about my past. Apparently I have come to, presently, be satisfied about my understanding of myself. So here I am, willing to revive a few of my old friendships and create a few (only a few) new ones; nevertheless, I do admit that things could die away very quickly, leaving my oh-so-dramatic return looking quite silly. This is a type of risk that I may soon come to enjoy.

One thing that I noticed was how I took certain aspects of some of my relationships for granted... which was quite odd, considering that some I analyzed intensively without finding me the information I desired, while there were unanticipated aspects that could have easily been noticed in other relationships -- mostly those outside of friendship -- had I bothered to pay attention. One thing more that I noticed was that relationship altered to take into account whatever unresponsiveness, laziness, ignorance and irresponsibility there was on my side, as the other person compensated or allowed for it in some way -- occasionally contributing to the extension of my various lacks of awareness, and perhaps also, in one or two cases, to my sanity. I wondered what it would take for a compensation in a relationship to actually sustain a state of mutual deception, going far beyond an allowed lack of awareness... but I suppose I'm not old enough to have experienced or noticed relationships like that yet.

I thought a lot about some times when I had paid too close attention to another's reputation, and acted on the basis of that reputation -- that didn't happen too often, thankfully. A worse thing that I noticed was the extent to which I thought about what talk of me would proceed beyond my acquaintances; I wondered what forms such talk would take, what would be said of me, and whether it would give anyone else interest in me -- in short, I wondered about my own reputation. I also kept my eyes open for its possible appearance -- and when it became damn clear that I had no reputation (perhaps something I should have been glad about), this stung a bit; I felt, stupidly enough, forgotten.

I became aware that much of the pain and exhaustion I had put myself through was a sort of fruitless struggle to determine and establish my position with regard to another person; I never knew where I stood with 'em, nor what I could demand of 'em, nor what they might demand of me, nor what I might say without being met by stony silence or quick dismissal. This is not the sort of knowledge I'm likely to ever acquire much of; instead, perhaps I can learn to enjoy the instability of my position and the freedom of one who is forced to rely on something other than mutual understanding to make conversation. Perhaps I can minimize the pain of rejection by gleefully noting how little of me (some words, maybe an offer, rarely anything more) is rejected. I think I can use this awareness to allow me to greet another without inhibitions, without immediately trying to establish the terms of a relationship -- I recall Postvixen taking such a greeting coolly, while Kaijima was a bit more suspicious.

There is, of course, something important, and something very obvious, that I'm neglecting to talk about. Well, that requires a whole sensitive ramble of its own, which I can hopefully write before the end of my summer. 'Til then, let's see just where my handful of revelations and new-found cheerfulness take me.