A complex story, an aphorism, and my life

[lhexa]

Imagine somebody becomes aware of how the world can be improved, but also of how existing powers prevent this improvement. This somebody remains silent, but slowly gathers like-minded individuals. Over time, working within existing power structures, they effect some important changes. But they always consider it vital to keep their intentions and beliefs hidden.

Now suppose somebody discovers this subtle organization somehow. Suppose this person is an outsider. And does not keep quiet about what has been discovered, even if it is little and mistaken. This person wants to join the virtuous few. But whoops, he's already said too much! He gets rejected, though subtly and quietly, as usual. He is left with nothing but a simple apology. But he has not yet, and may never, fathom the extent of the virtuous but hidden movement. The apology can mean anything. And he becomes afraid.

It is important that everyone know the transactional, and thus potentially cooperative, nature of most if not all uses of language. This doesn't mean that these uses should be simplified in order to make this nature obvious.

I've gone to half dosages of the anti-psychotic medicine. My hands are trembling, though not from fear, I'm very tense, and I feel close to snapping. I don't know whether I actually am. Telling me to relax doesn't work.

I went to my grandmother's house, did some chores and ate. She was obviously guiding me through some of the chores. That's nice of her.

I got about two hours' work done on CoSaS.

I've been playing a lot of Zelda: Wind Waker. Fun game.

Comments

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

To an extent. I'd call it a consciousness of how much miscommunication there is in the world. And of the ways in which errors and mistakes propagate from person to person.

I did get an apology of the kind mentioned -- in the form of the board game "Sorry!" propped up where I would find it, while I was in the psychiatric ward -- but so little has happened lately that I'm not so afraid anymore, and I'm slowly figuring out what might be happening. I'm still emotionally drained, though.