Questions owed myself

[lhexa]

Skill is needed in crafting anything, but a live idea is an animal to be caught, and I am sometimes a resourceful enough hunter. Let the feeling of pursuit, the sense that here is an activity of living things, be something that characterizes my writing, not the ease of long training, the impression that the prose at last presented was written many times before, albeit never so well as now.

I've come to wonder why I give such respect to my dreams, greedy things that they are. Often I feel I want to inflict myself on the world. Philosophy itself has history enough of arrogance and imposition, its ideals of truth, and means of investigation, being with rare exception meant to stand above all else. So it is with me, despite a distrust for philosophy's weakness, systematization. I want to reveal, inspire, and challenge... anything and everything! ...but even more I want to be the person who revealed, inspired, and challenged. In one's dreams, the audience is a large one, and the dreamer essentially apart from it, above or in front of it. And in pursuing my dreams, in having seen some of what they entail, I've come to ask myself why the person in that favored position ought to be me. Questions addressed to, and owed to myself: Why are you so often resistant to being touched emotionally, being inspired? Why do you shy from debates, even philosophical ones, nowadays? Why are you so apolitical, so quietist? Why do you want to write what you cannot bring yourself to say? Why did you fail at philosophy?

It does not dismay me that tomorrow will be as today. However, it does dismay me that my desired profession is not, so to speak, my calling. It implies (particularly considering I have ambitions in physics to match my ambition in philosophy) that while said profession is something that will be attained with sustained effort, which I often exhaust myself in providing, the actual calling -- once the object of similar, if comparatively undisciplined, effort -- cannot be pursued in such a way. In physics I can guarantee myself a measure of success, perhaps even a high one, simply by ensuring that every day I am better at physics than I was the day before. This program, supplied enough energy, can take me far, and has already. But similar questions, even more pressing ones, arise as in philosophy: Why should it be you who succeeds as a physicist? Why not those many other talented, intelligent, and able students? Have you fallen -- again! -- under the spell of some image of accomplishment, of greatness? Why do you want this? Philosophy is a passion, a duty, a failing and an everything; for it the question "Why not, how not?" overwhelms the question "Why?". Physics I merely love.

No, it does not dismay me.

* * *

Perfection is for those who want eternity. Completion is for those who want an eternity to end.

Comments

[guardlion.livejournal.com]

There's a saying that you should never do what you love for a living. Most professional writers agree with this. And there's nothing wrong with philosophizing in your spare time as a hobby. :-)

[wickedorin.livejournal.com]

Ah, dreams. I think the epic ones are a bit more rare these days because I'm not sleeping all that often (obvious enough, I suppose), but they're always worth the wait. Whole worlds come through. More stories, more characters, more mythologies.

As for doing what you love for a living... well, it depends on the person, I think. But that might explain why I'm not yet making any income off of what I love yet. Heh.

[zacat.livejournal.com]

It's almost like you do and you don't want philosophy to overwhelm you, like you're wishing philosophy to take the place of physics and be your only major skill? We could all wish to have two skills so vital and important to humanity be so strong.
One might be enough, but two...that's almost more than one would want to bear, right??

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

*winces at the way you put it*

That's something worth considering. I certainly didn't have success trying to do philosophy for a living (or rather, study philosophy in preparation for an eventual career).

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

I was referring to "dreams" in the sense of ambitions, not nighttime dreams... it's still interesting that you have such grand ones, though.

It's also cool that you do work on what you love, even if it isn't a living. :P

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

The situation's nothing so dramatic, and frankly, you shouldn't think that I'm skilled in both philosophy and physics when you haven't seen evidence of either skill. Anyway, I didn't do well when I tried to have philosophy be my major skill.

Er, welcome to the journal, rarely used though it is.

[wickedorin.livejournal.com]

Well, leave it to the sleep deprived to see the word "dream" and think only one thing. *grin*

I'm attempting to shove it in the direction of "a living"... for certainly I must manage to find some suckers that will pay me for having fun. (It's a nice thought. Even if it is unrealistic.)

[zacat.livejournal.com]

*nod* My 'public' view of my journal is just as sparse, as I only write entries to the friends list. You're welcome to join if you'd like.
I presumed skills towards philosophy due to your style of writing -- the density and the way you think. Physics, unless I was wrong, was directly mentioned in that post. Maybe I misread...

[lhexa.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have. Physics was mentioned in the post, sure, but my assessment of my own abilities might be unreliable.

[zacat.livejournal.com]

Heh. It's hard for us all to judge ourselves, but kudos for being able to stick your neck out about yourself. Too many people (myself included) would rather just quietly assume something about themselves than take a guess and see what others say.